It is scary to think how much things have changed over the course of my life. I use to be positive and strong. I listened, cared and loved. Now I just feel hurt and sadness and never know what is real or not real anymore. Its hard thinking that just the other day I have the opportunity to just drop from the window with a knot wrapped around my neck and no one would even hear or find me until they were ready too. I love her to much to even do that but sometimes being selfish to reach happiness is acceptable isn’t it? I want that mutual happiness and love we had before She feels like she has no control but she has taken all control over me. I am powerless. I feel disgusted with who I am becoming. I tried taking pills and I couldn’t do it, I tried hanging myself and failed at that, maybe if I just puke myself to death but still stick around for the enjoyment of others it will all work out in the end. Nobody understands the pain I feel. Sometimes I really wish I could choose my life and not have this hard and confusing one. Sometimes I wish I never met the people I did because maybe I would just be alone still. Being gay has got a lot better but the fact that I STILL HAVE TO BE CALLED A NIGER everyday of my life does not balance my stress. I hate that word. It is foul. It makes my ears bleed and I never stand up for myself because when I do I just get shit on even more by everyone and anyone. People do not understand that even though I have a white mother and a black father so I can be apart of both, other people will never see it that way. It takes me back to the fact I have a girl sitting right in front of me that I love but feel like she could give two shits about me anymore. I will be okay. One day I hope.